


The Year of the Turtle

by Lunarium



Series: SSSS: Saga of the Mages (aka Mageverse) [6]
Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: (crack) Mage versus Kade, Crack, Humor, M/M, No Apologies, some foul language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 12:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9182554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunarium/pseuds/Lunarium
Summary: Reynir and Lalli sneak away from the tank for some alone time when they are ambushed by a kade and taken away to be cruelly murdered. Luckily for them, rescue is near at hand. And a very unusual hero at that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> First story of 2017 (as the previous one was posted on New Year's Eve where I was at, although AO3 marked it as 2017. :D) This fic has exactly 2017 words, at least according to my Scrivener. :D I simply could not wait to introduce this character. Let's look at it this way: Valttu was 2016; Kilppari is 2017 coming to save us all from the horrors of 2016 while laughing his mad little head off. :)

Lalli pulled against his binds in vain. An evening meant to be spent with Reynir had turned into a surreal nightmare: a foe from the recent past had returned, far earlier than either of them had anticipated. 

Lalli grumbled, his eyes drilling a hole through Valttu’s head in attempt to keep his heart from pounding in mortification. Not now. Not when the expedition was successful. Not when everything was going so well. Not when he and Reynir were in the middle of an intimate moment. 

They had agreed to sneak away from the tank for a little bit just for some time alone. Pretending they both needed to sleep was no good excuse; Sigrun and Tuuri had already used that trick and were probably already on Round Five of Battle of the Tongues by now—though that was all fine in Lalli’s opinion. Better him in this situation than his poor defenseless cousin. She had gone through enough already these past few weeks. 

At any rate, he had previously presumed the land to be safe; Lalli himself had scouted the area beforehand (and properly disinfected himself before allowing Reynir to touch him.) He had not sensed any living being around, had not predicted they would both be dragged so far away from the tank that even if they could somehow escape, it would take a miracle for them to find their way back home. Valttu had ensured they would be in an area where their screams would never reach the tank. 

Perfect for a double murder. 

He hoped Tuuri was feeling all the love in the world and oblivious to the dangers outside the tank at this very moment. 

Lalli’s body still ached with the ghosts of desire interrupted by this terrible ambush, and now his body’s ache mingled with the fear and trepidation of what the fiend had in store for them. 

“Thought Katla took care of Valttu,” Lalli managed in a hushed voice, in a mix of Finnish and Icelandic, to Reynir. He hoped the words he had chosen were understandable when strung together. Speaking with his boyfriend in the dreamworld was far, far simpler. In the waking world he could rattle on in Finnish and Reynir could catch about half of it, but now he needed to be understood. 

“She did,” Reynir replied in kind. “No Luonto.” 

Lalli nodded his head gravely. “Healed too quickly, then.” 

“Yes…” 

Their attention turned back to Valttu, neither one of them liking the smirk he wore. That wasn’t good news for any of them, then, if the powerful Katla was only able to keep him away for the duration of the expedition. 

Valttu was heating a long dagger over the campfire, an act which brought back an all-too painful memory for Lalli. The kade’s eyes were alit with a flame fueled by the previous shame and defeat he had suffered previously under the hands of Reynir and the mage Katla. Whatever he was going to do to them, it would be bad—very bad. Lalli remembered their last encounter and tried to push the panic back down from rising in his throat. Reynir must have sensed his fear because he pushed against his binds just enough to allow himself to edge around the tree they were bound to, inching himself closer to Lalli as a means of half-shielding him. 

It was little comfort, but not unwelcome.

“I must confess I cannot decided which one of you I should enjoy myself with first,” Valttu announced. It was the first time he had spoken since bringing them here. He regarded them both with equal loathing, mad and with half-lust. 

Lalli’s mind immediately began working some plan in getting Reynir to escape while he fought off Valttu. He would resign himself to his fate, so long as Reynir was safe— _since when did I care for this idiot so much? How much a fool love has made me!_

“I could start with the Icelander who was arrogant enough to think he could stop me,” Valttu mused. “Finish what I began. Or I could make him watch…he clearly cares for you, Hotakainen…” 

“Or you could let them both be and fuck off on your merry way, you grimey mutt!” 

The voice came somewhere above them: loud, amused, and so very brash. Lalli didn’t dare to look up, just in the event this was all a trick to get them to break eye contact with Valttu, but then a empty beer bottle fell on from the top and smashed over Valttu’s head before he could even look up, and both Lalli and Reynir’s heads snapped upwards in time to see the man hop from the thick tree branch and land down between them and the kade. 

With a disgruntled howl, Valttu scattered the shards of glass off his hair and shoulders. 

“Get out of here before you end up in the ditches!” 

The man hooted with laughter. 

“Empty threats, as always!” he glanced back at Lalli and Reynir with sympathy. “What, spending all this time obsessing over hurting kids who stepped on your toes! I advise you from one noble mage to another: there’s no sense fucking a dead horse, brother!” 

Lalli’s eyes widened. Perhaps it was just how the man spoke. Maybe he was just joking. It had to be a joke, right? Then why did Valttu also look shocked? 

Reynir elbowed him to translate. Damn it—who did Reynir think he was, Tuuri? 

But now that they got a better look at the man…his resemblance to Valttu was uncanny—quite handsome in this devil-may-care flare. But he carried himself differently than Valttu; this was a man who had lived a life filled with more love— _And adventure, Reynir added hurriedly in Lalli ear. I would know if someone lived a life of adventure!_ —Fine then. Over his tunic he wore a long cape, and a top hat—quite unusual choice of wear, yet it somehow fit, bringing out the best features of his shaggy shoulder-length hair and eyes that glimmered like emeralds…it did things to Lalli, who gasped as his body reacted instantly to this strikingly handsome mage. 

“Mrrr!” He glanced at Reynir before hanging his head, ashamed at his body’s disloyalty. Reynir cocked his head to get a good look before shrugging with a smile. 

“No, I agree—he looks good!” 

Imp. 

Valttu looked the mage up and down in pure bewilderment. “Who the hell are you?” 

“Kilppari Heikkinen, your younger brother!” the mage said brightly. “From the way our mother told the story to me, she dumped you because she was already engaged to marry my father, the great Bodhi Dale of Ontojärvi, and she wanted to raise a proper child born not out of wedlock but from love, sweet love! So it was bye bye Valttu and hello little Kilppari on the totally radical waves of Ontojärvi!”

Lalli’s eyes widened. He could just see the words pierce through Valttu like cold steel, and he had to fight the urge to not laugh at this humiliating revelation. When the two boys had met up with Katla again in the dreamworld, she had told them all she knew about Valttu. The fact that Lalli was hearing this was killing him. Valttu must have, he imagined, spent his childhood at times hoping his mother had at least wanted him but couldn’t due to her age. This had to be the biggest slap in the face, all in the form of a mage just one year younger than himself. 

Sure enough, the desire to kill burned brighter in Valttu’s already livid eyes. 

“I kept tabs on you, of course! How could I not, when I learned I had a brother!” Kilppari’s grin stretched from ear to ear like a child who had just heard of Jul for the first time. He twirled. Lalli noticed he had a gap between his front teeth, and somehow, what with his resemblance to Valttu, that made things even more hilarious. “And a really infamous one! I kept reading about all the shit you’ve been causing, my naughty kin! I was too faraway to do anything about it, but now that I’m here— _Cowabunga_!” 

The spell shot out in a jet of swirling sapphire, violet, and gold waves, striking Valttu and sending him flying across the open field. He landed somewhere in the forest with a heavy thud and a shriek of rage. 

“Cow- _what_?” Lalli blurted out in disbelief as Kilppari turned towards him, unbinding him just enough to detach him from the tree. He slung Lalli over his shoulders. 

“My father comes from a line of American surfers, dude!” Kilppari said happily before rescuing Reynir. “He was Bodhi Dale from The Golden State! I have so many radical photos I could show you!” 

“What’s going on?” Reynir blurted as he joined Lalli. “Is he—”

“Does your friend know Finnish?” Kilppari asked, undeterred by the slight shake of Lalli’s head. “English? No problem! There’s another way I can speak with you both—but let’s get you out of here first!” 

By the time Valttu remerged from the forest, murder etched onto every inch of his body, Kilppari had already run off with the boys and loaded them into a hearse which, to the boy’s astonishment, belonged to him (Lalli debated if he should ask Kilppari why he possessed one or how he ever came by it.) There was no time to untie them completely, so in they went like two wrapped magical burritos, staring awkwardly at the ceiling of the hearse decorated with bright posters of old movies and shows from the pre-Rash World. 

Reynir said something that Lalli guessed was either “I’m so confused” or “What time period are these from?” 

He wished he had an answer for either of them. 

“Get back here! I’ll smear the forest with your innards you fucking cu—”

“Oh, hey now! Wash your dirty mouth, brother! I’m younger than you!” Kilppari laughed from the driver’s seat. He snapped his fingers and they heard a gag. Lalli craned his head up to see soap foam drooling out of Valttu’s mouth. Reynir laughed next to him. They shared a look; what sort of mage was this? 

“And with that, I bid thee goodbye, brother, with whoop-de-do and hickory dock, and don't forget to suck on my cock!” 

Laughter, mad as the maddest hatter, shook through the trees as the hearse kicked into life just as a song began playing on Kilppari’s radio: an upbeat, pop tune in a language neither Lalli nor Reynir were familiar with (they would later learn it was the opening theme of the _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_ 1987 cartoon.) The hearse rose into the sky and they were off, flying away from the kade, and hopefully back to the tank. 

Lalli and Reynir shared another look. They weren’t sure if they were just saved or about to embark on another perilous journey. 

But at least they were together, if still bound. 

“Oh! Now that we’re up here and safe—”

He uttered another silly spell and the rope untied itself around them. 

“Make yourselves at home!” Kilppari laughed. Glancing towards the front of the hearse, Lalli was a little shocked, but not entirely surprised, to see Kilppari not driving the hearse at all but sitting with his legs up on the dashboard and sipping some weird drink. 

He turned towards Reynir, whose eyes were begging for more information on the parts he couldn’t understand. Lalli tried to translate, as best he could. 

“He’s…strange,” Reynir finally said. “But we’re safe.” 

“Yeah. He’s rubbing off on me.” Lalli smiled and shrugged. The next part would be hard to say, in a mix of Icelandic and Finnish, but he would try his best. He needed Reynir to know. “But I prefer to be rubbing against you instead at the moment.” 

“Yeah…” Reynir gazed out sadly. “Think we can do that… _here_? Right now?” 

“In the hearse?” 

“The night’s weird enough as it is…” 

A corner of Lalli’s lips quirked. “I suppose it is…let’s make it weirder.”

**Author's Note:**

> And of course, a shoutout to one of my favorite [childhood cartoon shows](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA_-6v1EzYE). :)


End file.
